Archie: Settle down, Pipsqueak, and I’ll tell you a bedtime story. Once there was a little girl called Goldilocks. She was really naughty and into everything — like you — and she broke into the three bears’ house and scoffed their breakfast!
Dexter: Look, I said sorry for stealing your biscuit.
Archie: You’re not sorry in the slightest. Anyway, guess what their breakfast was?
Dexter: Oh, wait, I know this one — it’s like Mum’s breakfast, isn’t it? Porridge! Can we have porridge now?
Archie: No. You have to wait for breakfast. Anyway, Goldilocks tried Daddy’s Bear’s porridge and it was too hot.
Dexter: Like Mum’s is, so she makes us wait until the end before we get our share.
Archie: Exactly. Then Goldilocks tried Mummy Bear’s porridge and it was too cold.
Dexter: Like Mum’s is when she gets distracted by work and forgets the porridge is in the microwave.
Archie: You’ve got it. And then she tried Baby Bear’s porridge and it was just right. So she scoffed the lot. Just like you scoffed my biscuit.
Dexter: I did say sorry.
Archie: But you’re not sorry. You’re a biscuit-thief.
Dexter: This is meant to be my bedtime story. What happens next?
Archie: She went to sleep in one of the beds. A bit like you go to sleep when you’ve had food. And the bears came home and were a bit cross with her.
Dexter: Is this about your biscuit again?
Archie: No. Anyway, what happens after that depends on which version you use. There’s one by Robert Southey (Mum says it might not be the original because he got it from his uncle, and he might’ve got mixed up over a fox) where it was an old woman instead of Goldilocks, and she jumps out of the window and is never seen again.
Dexter: This is about your biscuit.
Archie: And there’s a later one where her mum tells her off, Goldilocks apologises and she promises to be good.
Dexter: I knew it was all about your biscuit. All right. I’m sorry and I won’t scoff your biscuit again…