The Pipsqueak Posts, Episode 30: the one with the Pi-raaaah-tes of Paw-zance

(With apologies to Gilbert & Sullivan) (and you can sing it if you want! – thank you to Liz Ringrose for the ‘matters doggymatical’ and Paw-zance)

On learning that they’d been hooligans while I went out to get a wiper-blade for the car (play-fighting, bouncing about and general chaos), I asked them what they’d done and they simply burst into song…


We are the very model of a well-behavèd spaniel,
We’ve information biscuity and Bonios and vegetable,
We know the rules of dinner, and we quote the gastronomical
From roast chicken to barbecue, in order categorical;
We’re very well acquainted, too, with matters doggymatical,
We understand equations where the answer is bone-atical,
About the parks and beaches near we’re teeming with a lot o’ news,
With many cheerful facts about the bins for stinky doggy poos;
We’re very good at sitting and at waiting when we’re told to stop;
We know the scientific names of beings animalculous:
In short, in matters biscuity and Bonios and vegetable,
We are the very model of a well-behavèd spaniel!

Archie and Dexter, Pipsqueak posts, Writing life

The Pipsqueak Posts, Episode 29: the one with the toastie strategy

ep26-01 toastie

Dexter: Psst, Arch! I think Chris is making a toastie. Do we gang up now or later?

Archie: He’s making one for Dad as well. Dad is a pushover. We wait, Pipsqueak. We wait.

(five minutes later)

ep26-02 jumping

Archie: No, Pipsqueak, don’t jump up. That’ll make him ignore you because Mum told him to ignore bad behaviour. What you do is stick your head on his knee and dribble. Like this…

Archie and Dexter, Pipsqueak posts, Writing life

The Pipsqueak Posts, Episode 28: the one with the Really Busy Hour

Dexter, after a busy hour:

ep25-01 busyToday I have:

    • chased round the garden (a lot)
    • brought in a branch from the rose by the back door (aren’t you supposed to give your mum flowers?)
    • waited until my mum had finished clearing up poo in the garden and washed her hands, then did another one (so did Arch — it was his idea)
    • scoffed porridge
    • yapped a lot
    • wriggled through the TV cabinet and tried to chew wires
    • tested my teeth on EVERYTHING
    • been told NO a lot (apparently that’s connected with the two things above – especially when I waited until Mum had a mouthful of cold coffee before sinking my teeth into her ankle)
    • been in time-out four times (Arch is right — Mum is the strict parent)
    • decided that Archie’s right and the hoover is scary
    • cuddled up to Archie for two seconds before having the puppy crazies and running round again (he told me off this morning, too, and Mum said that’s why she tells me not to pull his tail and I need to be taken down a peg)
    • played with four different balls, my raggy, my bee and my new teething chew that Dad bought yesterday


Now I’m tired. Apparently, so is everyone else…

Archie and Dexter, Pipsqueak posts, Writing life

The Pipsqueak Posts, Episode 27: the one with the gazebo

Dexter: Arch, what’s happening in the garden? Why aren’t we allowed out?

Archie: Pipsqueak, Dad and Chris are building the gazebo.

Dexter: What’s a gazebo?

Archie: It’s a thing humans put up in the garden when it’s sunny and they want it to rain.


(next day)

Archie: See, Pipsqueak? The gazebo’s up. Now it’s cold and it’s going to rain.


Archie and Dexter, Pipsqueak posts, Writing life

The Pipsqueak Posts, Episode 25: the one with the teddies

Archie (mournfully) : Our friend bought you a teddy. I am not allowed lovely soft squeaky toys.

Dexter, with rounded eyes: Why?

Archie: Because I shred them within five minutes. But that teddy is so cute. I neeeed one. If I steal it often enough, maybe Mum will give in and get me one, too…

Next day:

Archie: Yay! Pipsqueak, we have matching teddies, and I’ve got a big one because I’m so tall! Pipsqueak, don’t run in the house or you’ll fall on your fac— Oh. You already did.


A little later:

Dexter: Psst, Arch — you really like the little one, don’t you? That big one is SO COOL. Wanna swap?

Archie: It’s bigger than you are, but you can have a play with it if you want. And, yeah, give me yours and I’ll chew it a bit to make it softer for you. We’ll swap back in five minutes.

A little later still:

Archie: I have a great idea. These teddies have rope in them instead of stuffing, which means we can play tug. That’s a great game. I used to play it with my brothers when I was your age. One, two, three, go!


Archie and Dexter, Publication day, Writing life

Publication day: Fling with her Hot-shot Consultant

Archie: Pipsqueak! Leave the tennis ball and pay attention! It’s publication day for Mum’s 89th Mills & Boon. We are meant to be helping her with promo. Showing off her book and asking people to buy it so she can get us more treats…

Sigh. Never mind. Hello, everyone. Sorry, the junior Edit-paw-ial assistant is not quite up to the job today. This here on my leg (which is a very good bookstand — maybe Pipsqueak isn’t tall enough to do this yet) is my mum’s new book.


It’s really cool and has a dog called Truffle in it. You can find out more about the book here and get it at Amazon UK here and Amazon US here. (Mum isn’t sure if you’ll be able to get it in the shops this week because of Covid… and it’s off sale again in 2 weeks, so please use your local bookshop’s online shop!)

Edited by Archie to add: Pipsqueak of the Spotty Paws says he’s too shy to do promo stuff (hmm – the only thing that pup is scared of is missing out). But he has decided to do important EPA duties AKA being at Mum’s feet to make sure she does some work. I think he might be napping on the job, though…


Archie and Dexter, Pipsqueak posts, Writing life

The Pipsqueak Posts, Episode 24: the one with the first walk on the lead

Archie: Pipsqueak, FINALLY! We can go for walkies.

Dexter: What’s walkies?

Archie: Walkies is the Best Thing Ever. You’re too little to go very far so you won’t get to the fields yet, but we can go round the little block. First of all, you have to go out of the front door.


Dexter: What? Hey? Where am I going? Where are you going? Why is there a yellow tie thing on my collar?

Archie: We’re going round the block. The tie thing is a lead. It means we have to stay close to Mum. If it’s safe — at the park or the beach — she lets us off the lead so we can run around.

Dexter: So we just walk.

Archie: Pipsqueak, that’s the point of going out for a walk. We walk! It’s an important Edit-paw-ial Assistant duty. We get all the nice smells, Mum has time to think about the plot of her book, we sometimes get to say hello to other dogs and neighbours, and it’s fun. If Dad comes we walk a bit more slowly. And eventually Mum will take us both out together and we walk side by side…


Dexter: This is cool! I like walkies.

Archie: You wait until proper walkies training starts. You get bits of sausage…


Archie and Dexter, Pipsqueak posts, Writing life

The Pipsqueak Posts, Episode 23: the other one with the Intrepid Explorer

Dexter: I am Dexter the Intrepid Explorer and I got caught in a tropical storm. I fought my way bravely through it and struggled home.

Archie: Pipsqueak, you got under Dad’s feet when he was watering the garden. You got a bit of a splash under the carrots and you’ve come in to look pathetic and scrounge a treat. (Sighs. Puppy tales…)


Archie and Dexter, Pipsqueak posts, Writing life

The Pipsqueak Posts, Episode 22: the one with the ballet

Archie: Pipsqueak, this is your introduction to ballet. Mum loves ballet – she joined the Silver Swans a year ago and she’s missing her class in lockdown. Her teacher does classes on Facebook and she does ballet with a chair instead of a barre. Settle down.

Dexter: Can I join in?

Archie: No. She’ll just fall over you. Sit and watch the show.

Dexter: Show? Does that mean we get cheese, or is that just when Dad watches telly? Yay! My teeth are ready for snacks…



Archie: No snacks — we can’t have crunching during ballet! Listen: the music’s really relaxing. Just copy me; chill out and nap. You’ll get the hang of it, Pipsqueak.

(Some minutes later) Dexter: zzzz.

Dexter, dreaming: hey, Arch, look. I’m a doggy ballerina. I’m practising my turnout in second and my port de bras, just like Mum. You could even call me Sleeping Beauty… (See what I did there?)