Category: Writing life

Dexter: Arch, what’s puppy class?
Archie: Puppy class is fun! It’s somewhere you go and meet other pups, run around a bit, learn some commands and get lots of sausage to eat. My best friend at class was a Dachshund called Waffle. You’ll love it.

(Dexter gets out of the car and stops dead as he sees a Weimaraner, a Westie, a fox-red Labrador, a black Cocker, a Dachshund, an English Bulldog and two terriers — all of which are bigger than him. Dexter spends the entire class hiding behind our legs or being carried, and then yells his protest all the way home.)

Archie: So did you terrorise everyone like you terrorise me, Pipsqueak?

Dexter: It was soooo scary! And you weren’t there. Everyone else was bigger than me. I am so glad to be home — and I will never steal your biscuits again.

Archie: We don’t get biscuits after dinner and we all know you’ll be back to biscuit-thieving tomorrow. And it won’t be as scary, next week. Did you get any sausage?
Dexter: Yes. For knowing my name, which was really easy. But it was still scary….

(Archie keeps to himself the fact that he refused to get off my lap at his puppy socialisation party — which Dexter missed out on completely, thanks to Covid — then went to sleep, and was very shy at his first puppy class…)

Dexter: Psst, Arch – turn your back on me and look moody!
Archie: I’m too busy chewing your tennis ball, Pipsqueak. Why do you want me to look moody?

Dexter: Because if I do the same, it’ll be cool picture. Like edgy album art. We could borrow Dad’s guitar and start a band…
Archie: I’ll do the picture, but we’re not starting a band.
Dexter: I can see it now. ‘The Spaniel Brothers.’ Like that film. You can be the fat one.
Archie: Oi! Cheeky!
Dexter (trying to be conciliatory) : I mean, you’re the oldest so you can be Jake, the lead singer, and I’ll be Elwood. We’re on a mission.
Archie: What mission?
Dexter: To get the band together.
Archie: What band?
Dexter: A blues band! We tried Gilbert and Sullivan, and we were great at that. Now we can be a blues band. Like Joe Bone-amassa. (Mum loves him.)
Archie: (hides head under paws)
Dexter (on a roll) : We can borrow Dad’s dog-walking hat and Mum’s sunglasses.
Archie (giving in and indulging his little brother) : Like this?

Dexter: Yeah! You look really cool, Arch. We can sing Hound Dog, Black Dog, Black-Eyed Dog, Me and You and a Dog Named Boo, Love Me Love My Dog… oh, wait, the first song of the set should be Puppy Love!
Archie: Oh, Pipsqueak…

Dexter: Psst, Arch! I think Chris is making a toastie. Do we gang up now or later?

Archie: He’s making one for Dad as well. Dad is a pushover. We wait, Pipsqueak. We wait.

(five minutes later)

Archie: No, Pipsqueak, don’t jump up. That’ll make him ignore you because Mum told him to ignore bad behaviour. What you do is stick your head on his knee and dribble. Like this…

Dexter, after a busy hour:

Today I have:

• • chased round the garden (a lot)
  • brought in a branch from the rose by the back door (aren’t you supposed to give your mum flowers?)
  • waited until my mum had finished clearing up poo in the garden and washed her hands, then did another one (so did Arch — it was his idea)
  • scoffed porridge
  • yapped a lot
  • wriggled through the TV cabinet and tried to chew wires
  • tested my teeth on EVERYTHING
  • been told NO a lot (apparently that’s connected with the two things above – especially when I waited until Mum had a mouthful of cold coffee before sinking my teeth into her ankle)
  • been in time-out four times (Arch is right — Mum is the strict parent)
  • decided that Archie’s right and the hoover is scary
  • cuddled up to Archie for two seconds before having the puppy crazies and running round again (he told me off this morning, too, and Mum said that’s why she tells me not to pull his tail and I need to be taken down a peg)
  • played with four different balls, my raggy, my bee and my new teething chew that Dad bought yesterday

Now I’m tired. Apparently, so is everyone else…

Dexter: Arch, what’s happening in the garden? Why aren’t we allowed out?

Archie: Pipsqueak, Dad and Chris are building the gazebo.

Dexter: What’s a gazebo?

Archie: It’s a thing humans put up in the garden when it’s sunny and they want it to rain.

(next day)

Archie: See, Pipsqueak? The gazebo’s up. Now it’s cold and it’s going to rain.

Archie (mournfully) : Our friend bought you a teddy. I am not allowed lovely soft squeaky toys.

Dexter, with rounded eyes: Why?

Archie: Because I shred them within five minutes. But that teddy is so cute. I neeeed one. If I steal it often enough, maybe Mum will give in and get me one, too…

Next day:

Archie: Yay! Pipsqueak, we have matching teddies, and I’ve got a big one because I’m so tall! Pipsqueak, don’t run in the house or you’ll fall on your fac— Oh. You already did.

A little later:

Dexter: Psst, Arch — you really like the little one, don’t you? That big one is SO COOL. Wanna swap?

Archie: It’s bigger than you are, but you can have a play with it if you want. And, yeah, give me yours and I’ll chew it a bit to make it softer for you. We’ll swap back in five minutes.

A little later still:

Archie: I have a great idea. These teddies have rope in them instead of stuffing, which means we can play tug. That’s a great game. I used to play it with my brothers when I was your age. One, two, three, go!

Archie: Pipsqueak, FINALLY! We can go for walkies.

Dexter: What’s walkies?

Archie: Walkies is the Best Thing Ever. You’re too little to go very far so you won’t get to the fields yet, but we can go round the little block. First of all, you have to go out of the front door.

Dexter: What? Hey? Where am I going? Where are you going? Why is there a yellow tie thing on my collar?

Archie: We’re going round the block. The tie thing is a lead. It means we have to stay close to Mum. If it’s safe — at the park or the beach — she lets us off the lead so we can run around.

Dexter: So we just walk.

Archie: Pipsqueak, that’s the point of going out for a walk. We walk! It’s an important Edit-paw-ial Assistant duty. We get all the nice smells, Mum has time to think about the plot of her book, we sometimes get to say hello to other dogs and neighbours, and it’s fun. If Dad comes we walk a bit more slowly. And eventually Mum will take us both out together and we walk side by side…

Dexter: This is cool! I like walkies.

Archie: You wait until proper walkies training starts. You get bits of sausage…