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Dexter: Arch, Arch! I can see you but I can’t get to you! Help!

Archie: Pipsqueak, you went through the Wrong Door. You’re in the conservatory. I went through the back door and now I’m in the dining room. You’ll have to get Dad to let you through. I can stand up and open the back door, but I can’t open this one…

Dexter: Arch, Arch – why are the parents putting chicken wire everywhere?

Archie: Why do you think? It’s not as if they’re fans of industrial chic.

Dexter: Yeah, you said Mum likes Pre-Raphaelite stuff. Edward Burne-Bones and DG Bones-etti. That’s prettier than chicken wire, though she’s put it on the wall so I can’t chew it. (Sighs heavily.) I was having such a great game hiding from you. I was going to leap out and say ‘raaaah!’.

Archie: Oh, Pipsqueak. That’s why. They thought you were too big to squeeze behind the piano; when you suddenly disappeared behind it, that made Mum panic. I know you came out backwards, but they’re worried you’re going to get stuck. They also think you’re going to trash the wires behind the TV, the way you trashed the patio vegetable garden — which is why that is all behind chicken wire now, too.

Dexter: Chicken wire spoils all the fun…

Archie: Pipsqueak, just run round the recycling bin, jump out and yap ‘Surprise!’ at Mum. That’s what I used to do when I was your age. She thought it was cute and gave me extra fuss and treats.

Dexter (learning furiously) : Yum. Treats.

Dexter: Arch, what’s puppy class?
Archie: Puppy class is fun! It’s somewhere you go and meet other pups, run around a bit, learn some commands and get lots of sausage to eat. My best friend at class was a Dachshund called Waffle. You’ll love it.

(Dexter gets out of the car and stops dead as he sees a Weimaraner, a Westie, a fox-red Labrador, a black Cocker, a Dachshund, an English Bulldog and two terriers — all of which are bigger than him. Dexter spends the entire class hiding behind our legs or being carried, and then yells his protest all the way home.)

Archie: So did you terrorise everyone like you terrorise me, Pipsqueak?

Dexter: It was soooo scary! And you weren’t there. Everyone else was bigger than me. I am so glad to be home — and I will never steal your biscuits again.

Archie: We don’t get biscuits after dinner and we all know you’ll be back to biscuit-thieving tomorrow. And it won’t be as scary, next week. Did you get any sausage?
Dexter: Yes. For knowing my name, which was really easy. But it was still scary….

(Archie keeps to himself the fact that he refused to get off my lap at his puppy socialisation party — which Dexter missed out on completely, thanks to Covid — then went to sleep, and was very shy at his first puppy class…)

Dexter: Psst, Arch – turn your back on me and look moody!
Archie: I’m too busy chewing your tennis ball, Pipsqueak. Why do you want me to look moody?

Dexter: Because if I do the same, it’ll be cool picture. Like edgy album art. We could borrow Dad’s guitar and start a band…
Archie: I’ll do the picture, but we’re not starting a band.
Dexter: I can see it now. ‘The Spaniel Brothers.’ Like that film. You can be the fat one.
Archie: Oi! Cheeky!
Dexter (trying to be conciliatory) : I mean, you’re the oldest so you can be Jake, the lead singer, and I’ll be Elwood. We’re on a mission.
Archie: What mission?
Dexter: To get the band together.
Archie: What band?
Dexter: A blues band! We tried Gilbert and Sullivan, and we were great at that. Now we can be a blues band. Like Joe Bone-amassa. (Mum loves him.)
Archie: (hides head under paws)
Dexter (on a roll) : We can borrow Dad’s dog-walking hat and Mum’s sunglasses.
Archie (giving in and indulging his little brother) : Like this?

Dexter: Yeah! You look really cool, Arch. We can sing Hound Dog, Black Dog, Black-Eyed Dog, Me and You and a Dog Named Boo, Love Me Love My Dog… oh, wait, the first song of the set should be Puppy Love!
Archie: Oh, Pipsqueak…