Category: Writing life

Dexter: I am Dexter the Intrepid Explorer and I got caught in a tropical storm. I fought my way bravely through it and struggled home.

Archie: Pipsqueak, you got under Dad’s feet when he was watering the garden. You got a bit of a splash under the carrots and you’ve come in to look pathetic and scrounge a treat. (Sighs. Puppy tales…)

Archie: Pipsqueak, this is your introduction to ballet. Mum loves ballet – she joined the Silver Swans a year ago and she’s missing her class in lockdown. Her teacher does classes on Facebook and she does ballet with a chair instead of a barre. Settle down.

Dexter: Can I join in?

Archie: No. She’ll just fall over you. Sit and watch the show.

Dexter: Show? Does that mean we get cheese, or is that just when Dad watches telly? Yay! My teeth are ready for snacks…

Archie: No snacks — we can’t have crunching during ballet! Listen: the music’s really relaxing. Just copy me; chill out and nap. You’ll get the hang of it, Pipsqueak.

(Some minutes later) Dexter: zzzz.

Dexter, dreaming: hey, Arch, look. I’m a doggy ballerina. I’m practising my turnout in second and my port de bras, just like Mum. You could even call me Sleeping Beauty… (See what I did there?) 

Archie: Listen up, Pipsqueak. Tonight’s pasta night. That means Mum browns the minced [ground, for American friends] beef and sets aside a bit for us before she adds the veg for spaghetti Bolognese. Then we get it mixed with our kibble. Best day of the week! We don’t woof at the table, and we sit nicely.

We also have kitchen duties. We sit at her feet and wait for the carrot peelings. We are the Special Carrot Disposal Unit.

Dexter: zzzz

Archie, sighing: It seems our Pipsqueak hasn’t quite got the hang of kitchen duties…

Dexter: What’s the vet, Arch?
Archie: It’s a place you have to go to twice a year, Pipsqueak. Once to have a checkup, and once to have your vaccinations. You might have to go if you’re poorly. (Looks away.) And for another reason you’re too young to know about. We won’t talk about the Cone of Shame.
Dexter: Is the vet nice?
Archie: Yes, and so are the nurse and the receptionist. They give you biscuits while you wait. Though, last time, the vet stuck a thermometer up my bottom and then gave me antibiotics. I’d been sick everywhere and I had a temperature and Mum was worried about me. I felt too poorly to make a fuss.
Dexter: Will you come with me?
Archie: No. But you get both parents. They’ll cuddle you. You’ll be fine.

Dexter, on returning: So we had to wait outside and Mum wasn’t allowed in with me, and the nurse had a mask on and everything. I cried. But they made a fuss of me, then put stuff up my nose, stuck a needle in me and put me on the scales. I was *THIS BRAVE*. The vet said I was lovely. Oh, and I’m 4.1kg now. And the nurse gave Mum a bag of stuff.
Archie: That’ll be wormer and flea tablets. They’re supposed to taste yummy, but if you spit them out and refuse them then Mum wraps them in ham. She thinks it disguises the taste and tricks us; she doesn’t realise we do it on purpose to get more ham…

Dexter: I am Dexter of the Jungle, intrepid explorer!

Archie: I am Archie the Very Patient, and I don’t have the heart to tell you that they’re fencing off the patio garden, Pipsqueak, because you keep chomping all the veg you can reach…

Archie: Pipsqueak, it’s a toastie! Assume stare position. When you’re big enough, your chin goes on her knee and you dribble to remind her to save your share.

Following day: Senior EPA Archie would like to report that Pipsqueak is getting the hang of the Stare Position very well indeed.