Archie and Dexter, Pipsqueak posts, Writing life

The Pipsqueak Posts, Episode 66: the one with the punk pup

Dexter: Arch, what’s punk?
Archie: It’s that really loud stuff Dad plays that only has three chords and people shouting because they can’t sing.
Dexter: Riiiight. So why does Mum say I look like a punk pup?
Archie, laughing: Because you do, Pipsqueak. Half the time your ears are inside out, and the other half the time bits of hair stick up. And you’ve got that bit on top of your head that looks like a mini Mohican.
Dexter: But you’ve got a bit that looks all sticky-up on the top of your head, too.
Archie: Yeah. Our dad has it as well. His mum calls it ‘Bonkers Bits’.
Dexter: Haha! Right. So this punk stuff. Let’s see what the songs are like. Oh, they definitely need to change some of these titles. Smash It Up should be Chew It Up, like I’ve done with the kitchen roll inner tube and scattered everywhere. Sound of the Suburbs — well, that’d be much better as Sound of Dogs Barking. And Pretty Vacant is so obviously Pretty Spaniels.
Archie: We’re so pretty, oh so pretty — we’re spaaaaaan-yels!
Dexter: Oi! I want to be the lead singer, so I get to be in front in the promo pics…

8697CBD5-CDA5-4FD6-820E-734C6410C8F8

Archie and Dexter, Pipsqueak posts, Writing life

The Pipsqueak Posts, Episode 65: the one with Summer Nights

Dexter: Arch, Arch! Let’s sing. Mum and Chloe were watching Grease, the other night. We can sing ‘Summer Nights’.
Archie: Are you sure you don’t mean ‘Puppy Class Dropout’?
Dexter: Oi! I was good, I’ll have you know. It took me three classes, but I learned to play.
Archie: Haha. OK. We’ll do ‘Summer Nights’ — spaniel style.

672385AD-A264-4C25-A420-F7952CACD209

D: Summer woofing, had me a blast
A: Summer playing happened so fast
D: I met a dog, he was crazy!
A: Met a pup, cute as can be
D&A: Summer days, days when we play, oh and barbecues on summer nights!

D: Tell me more, tell me more
A: Is that barbecued steak?
D: Tell me more, tell me more
A: Is that dog-friendly cake?

D: We went paddling, down at the park
A: He’s annoying, pounces and barks
D: Tennis balls, they really bounce!
A: He showed off splashing around (and then he fell over the paddling pool and cried)
D: (Shut up! That was ages ago. I am so stealing your chicken later.)
D&A: Summer sun, we’re having fun — we love barbecues on summer nights!

D: Tell me more, tell me more
A: Dexter’s dug a big hole
D: Tell me more, tell me more
A: I want a sausage roll…

Archie and Dexter, Pipsqueak posts, Writing life

The Pipsqueak Posts, Episode 64: the one with the three little biscuits and the big bad pup

Dexter: Arch, tell me a story.

78E79CD9-AC76-43F8-898C-A61FA9C2540F

Archie: All right, Pipsqueak. Settle down. This is the story of the Three Little Biscuits and the Big Bad Pup…

Dexter, rolling his eyes: Let me guess. Once upon a time, there was a big bad pup who scoffed your biscuits as well as his own?

Archie, laughing: You got it.

Dexter: Listen, I’m the baby. You’re supposed to tell me nice stories.

Archie: All right. Once upon a time, there were three little biscuits.

Dexter: What flavour?

Archie: Salmon, cheese and chicken.

Dexter: Yay! My favourites!

Archie: They were being saved for after-dinner treat. In a paper bag. Along came the Big Bad Pup and said, ‘Biscuits, biscuits, let me in!’ And they said, ‘Not by the hairs on your chinny-chin-chin!’

Dexter: Arch, biscuits can’t talk.

Archie: These ones can. Anyway, the Big Bad Pup said, ‘I’ll huff, and I’ll puff, and I’ll chew a hole in the bag and scoff you.’

Dexter: Great idea! Did the pup get the biscuits?

Archie: No, because Mum caught him stealing the bag and took it away from him. She put the biscuits in a tin in the drawer. And along came the Big Bad Pup and said, ‘Biscuits, biscuits, let me in!’ And they said, ‘Not by the hairs on your chinny-chin-chin!’

Dexter: Did the pup get up on his back legs and open the drawer with one paw, like the way byou open the door?

Archie: No. He sat and cried. And then Dad came along and opened the drawer, and took out the tin, and gave all the biscuits to the pup — who shouldn’t actually be getting treats without working for them and doing puppy training, but who scoffed them all anyway.

Dexter: Hang on. Dad would give you half.

Archie: Riiiiight. And then the Big Bad Pup would steal them…

Archie and Dexter, Pipsqueak posts, Writing life

The Pipsqueak Posts Episode 63: the one with the brown-eyed dog

Dexter: Arch, we could do a song today. After Van Morrison. Brown-eyed dog.
Archie: Pipsqueak, neither of us has really brown eyes.
Dexter: Golden-eyed dog doesn’t scan properly. Hmm. So we can’t do Nick Drake, either? ‘Black-eyed dog he knew my name…’ Awooo!
Archie: Pipsqueak, you barely answer to your name. Unless someone rattles the biscuits.
Dexter: Please? Pretty please with extra bacon?
Archie: All right. We’ll do brown-eyed dog.
Dexter: With extemporised bits.
Archie: It’s sooooo hot this week. We need ice cream. If we sing loudly enough, maybe Dad will buy us each a mini whippy cone…

4F3FFDD0-CBAA-4844-9E4E-BAACFA546929

(With apologies to Van Morrison – and thanks to Chloe for the suggestion)
Hey where did we go
Days when the sun came (and it was too hot)
Down in the tree-shade
Too hot to play games
Woofing and a-running, hey hey,
Pouncing and a-jumping
In the boiling hot sunshine with
Our hearts a-thumping and you
My brown-eyed dog
You, my brown-eyed dog…

Archie and Dexter, Pipsqueak posts, Writing life

The Pipsqueak Posts, Episode 62: the one with the watering [video]

Dexter: Arch, I’m going to help Dad with the garden.
Archie: I don’t think Dad’s very pleased with all the holes you’ve dug in the lawn. And you harvested the carrots before they were ready. And you tried to dig up the potatoes.
Dexter: But I can help!
Archie: He’s watering. You’re going to get wet.
Dexter: Like I did at the river? Yay!

Pipsqueak posts, Writing life

The Pipsqueak posts, Episode 59: the one with yoga

Dexter: I’m taking up yoga. Starting with the downward dog. Watch.
Archie, laughing: That’s a play bow, Pipsqueak — like the one you’re supposed to do at Puppy Class if you want to play with one of the other pups. I wish you’d do that with me instead of biting my ears.
Dexter: Mum says if humans do it, it’s called a downward dog. The aim of yoga is to relax. Strike a pose, and relaaaaaaaax.

(Dexter falls asleep while demonstrating)

181A5916-CB89-4E53-A5A8-EDEB54D74DD7
Archie: That can’t possibly be comfortable. I mean, his ears are always inside out, but right now his head’s off the ground. So’s his front leg. I’d better go and squeak a tennis ball to wake him up, or he’s going to hurt, later…

Archie and Dexter, Pipsqueak posts, Writing life

The Pipsqueak Posts, Episode 58: the one where Dexter catches a biscuit [video]

Dexter: How do you do that, Arch?
Archie: What?
Dexter: Get biscuits to go in your mouth.
Archie: Mum throws the biscuit, you watch it, and you grab it out of the air, Pipsqueak. Easy-peasy.
(Dexter tries a few times and fails)
Dexter: I can’t do this.
Archie: Yes, you can. Watch me. Remember to open your mouth, otherwise it’ll bounce off your nose.

(Dexter watches and tries again)
Dexter: Yay!

Archie and Dexter, Pipsqueak posts, Writing life

The Pipsqueak Posts, Episode 57: the one with ‘the trouble with porridge’

Dexter: Arch! Look! Mum’s obviously left this bowl of porridge just for me. Yum!
Archie: No, Pipsqueak! No! She’s only put it on the table while she gets her coffee. This is worse than when you nearly rolled in fox-poo this morning. Get down from the chair. I know I told you the Goldilocks story, but you really are NOT supposed to help yourse— Uh-oh. Your ID tag just clinked against the bowl. Loud enough for Mum to hear. You are so in trouble. Don’t fib to her that I encouraged you…
[Dexter is caught red-pawed helping himself to the porridge – with his face in said bowl – and is told off. New porridge has to be made for author’s breakfast.]
Archie: See. I told you she’d be cross. Now just sit and wait nicely. You’re allowed to lick your lips or even dribble over her knees, but in future just wait for her to finish her share. You’ll get your porridge.
Dexter: The trouble with porridge is that it’s so NICE…

[Author note: this was one of those super-lucky – or should I say super-licky? – shots where both dogs licked their lips at the same time; it’s not a ‘live’ pic. And, yes, Dexter really did try to scoff my porridge from the bowl!]
6A8B289C-78B2-4924-B57C-FE7919F733EE

Archie and Dexter, Pipsqueak posts, Writing life

The Pipsqueak Posts, Episode 56: the one with the Very Tall Pup

Dexter: I’m getting really tall.
Archie: That’s because you’re little and you’re growing, Pipsqueak.
Dexter: No, I mean *really* tall. I can almost see out of the window.
Archie: No, you can’t. You can jump up on the sofa, but you can’t see out of the window.
Dexter: Bet you I am. Two biscuits.
Archie: Done.
Dexter: Look out of the window.
(Archie does so, and Dexter joins him.)

D8594CEF-6A43-4948-A631-09DF6AD88C36
Dexter: See? You owe me two biscuits…