Category: Pipsqueak posts

Archie says: Pipsqueak, you need to learn your duties as Junior Edit-paw-ial assistant. A most important duty of being an author’s dog is to sit on her feet. Especially if she’s doing revisions and she’s stress-eating biscuits (not just because you can scrounge some, which is an EPA perk, but also because it’s nice to sit on her feet and let her know you love her and cheer her on). I’ll supervise this first one.

Dexter says: Senior Edit-paw-ial Assistant gave me a B- above in the appraisal for my ‘sit on my pet author’s feet’ assignment because I didn’t actually sit on Mum’s feet. I have resolved to Do Better and hope I get an A this time.

 

(Pet author note: he did.)

Archie: Pipsqueak, this is how we check what’s going on in the neighbourhood. Stand with your paws on the radiator, be as tall as you can and look out. Do it as if you’re crossing the road: look right, look left, look right again.

(It would be easier to see if it wasn’t for the laurel hedge. Mum is working out how we can help her dig it up so she can replace it with roses. Dad says we are not to encourage her.) 

Dexter: Archie, you’re so tall and I’m so tiny!

Archie says: And this, Pipsqueak, is how we sit nicely for cold poached salmon. Mum is on a diet, so she often has salmon and salad for lunch. Cucumber will probably be nice for you when your teeth hurt because it’s cool. But salmon’s what you really want. It’s scrummy.

Mum is not quite so much of a pushover as Chloe and she’ll tell you to sit if you’re pushy. Sometimes she doesn’t say ‘sit’ and does it in sign language, instead — we learned that at puppy class when I wasn’t much older than you. Because of lockdown, you might not be able to go to puppy class. So I promise to teach you all I know…

 

Archie says: Listen up, Pipsqueak. Not everyone in the house eats toast. Chloe does (probably because she’s a student, and students love toast) and she is a pushover. All you have to do is sit and look cute and wait for the click of the toaster, and she’ll give us a nice crunchy bit of toast. We’ll just go and remind her that we’re here, first.

I heard the click! Assume position! Toast!

Archie says: You know, Pipsqueak, Sundays are good days in this house. We go to the beach or the park a lot on Sundays (and that means a warm sausage roll for us in the cafe, as well as running around a lot without a lead on, and making friends with other dogs). Sadly you’re not old enough to go out yet, and also it’s lockdown so I haven’t been to the beach or the park for months…

(Archie has a little dream about the beach.)

But Sunday also means that Mum does a roast dinner. Chicken is good. We have to wait until everyone’s finished and she’ll leave us a little bit on her plate. But best of all is the carcass. There’s still meat left after she’s carved, and Dad takes it off and puts it in our bowls. We have to sit nicely. Watch and follow me!