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Archie: Listen up, Pipsqueak. Tonight’s pasta night. That means Mum browns the minced [ground, for American friends] beef and sets aside a bit for us before she adds the veg for spaghetti Bolognese. Then we get it mixed with our kibble. Best day of the week! We don’t woof at the table, and we sit nicely.

We also have kitchen duties. We sit at her feet and wait for the carrot peelings. We are the Special Carrot Disposal Unit.

Dexter: zzzz

Archie, sighing: It seems our Pipsqueak hasn’t quite got the hang of kitchen duties…

Dexter: What’s the vet, Arch?
Archie: It’s a place you have to go to twice a year, Pipsqueak. Once to have a checkup, and once to have your vaccinations. You might have to go if you’re poorly. (Looks away.) And for another reason you’re too young to know about. We won’t talk about the Cone of Shame.
Dexter: Is the vet nice?
Archie: Yes, and so are the nurse and the receptionist. They give you biscuits while you wait. Though, last time, the vet stuck a thermometer up my bottom and then gave me antibiotics. I’d been sick everywhere and I had a temperature and Mum was worried about me. I felt too poorly to make a fuss.
Dexter: Will you come with me?
Archie: No. But you get both parents. They’ll cuddle you. You’ll be fine.

Dexter, on returning: So we had to wait outside and Mum wasn’t allowed in with me, and the nurse had a mask on and everything. I cried. But they made a fuss of me, then put stuff up my nose, stuck a needle in me and put me on the scales. I was *THIS BRAVE*. The vet said I was lovely. Oh, and I’m 4.1kg now. And the nurse gave Mum a bag of stuff.
Archie: That’ll be wormer and flea tablets. They’re supposed to taste yummy, but if you spit them out and refuse them then Mum wraps them in ham. She thinks it disguises the taste and tricks us; she doesn’t realise we do it on purpose to get more ham…

Dexter: I am Dexter of the Jungle, intrepid explorer!

Archie: I am Archie the Very Patient, and I don’t have the heart to tell you that they’re fencing off the patio garden, Pipsqueak, because you keep chomping all the veg you can reach…

Archie: Pipsqueak, it’s a toastie! Assume stare position. When you’re big enough, your chin goes on her knee and you dribble to remind her to save your share.

Following day: Senior EPA Archie would like to report that Pipsqueak is getting the hang of the Stare Position very well indeed.

Archie: Pipsqueak! It’s time for porridge! It’s the best start to the day. Mum makes it with oats, milk, a bit of flax seed (which she says is good for her cholesterol, but of course is excellent for our coats) and a dollop of plain fat-free yogurt. I’m licking my lips just thinking about it.

Dexter: so we sit nicely for it, Arch, right?

Archie: yes, and we get two teaspoons each. (She always laughs a lot when she says ‘two spoons’. It’s something to do with ‘two soups’. I think it’s her age…)

(A few days later, on hearing the beep from the microwave finishing)

Dexter: Fee, Fi, Fo, Fum! I smell porridge for my tum!

Archie: Pipsqueak! Cheese! Dad snacks on cheese and biscuits when he’s watching telly. Cheese is the best. Sometimes he tries to sneak some out of the fridge without us hearing. Listen out for the sound of cheese wrapper. Even if you’re busy sniffing every single blade of grass in the garden, you come in straight away for cheese.

Also note there is beer. I like beer. Dad doesn’t put it in a glass any more since the day he caught me having a sneaky slurp from his pint. But you could do a run-and-skid manoeuvre and knock the can over; he won’t tell you off because you’re a baby and don’t know any better. Then we can both slurp the beer off the floor…

Dexter: Look, Arch! Look at my big teeth! I might be little, but I have BIG TEETH! I’ve been thinking about this. I could have a career in film. Who has big teeth?

Archie, very patiently: I dunno, Pipsqueak. Bugs Bunny?

Dexter: Bugs Bunny? Hmm. I like carrots, but I want to eat other stuff as well. (Thinks for a bit.) Oh, wait. I have it. Tall, handsome and dangerous. I can be Count Dext-ula…