Dexter: I’ve got the best toy ever. It’s something you can chase and chase and chase, and it takes ages to catch…
Tag: Dexter
The Pipsqueak Posts, Episode 47: the one with Goldilocks
Archie: Settle down, Pipsqueak, and I’ll tell you a bedtime story. Once there was a little girl called Goldilocks. She was really naughty and into everything — like you — and she broke into the three bears’ house and scoffed their breakfast!
Dexter: Look, I said sorry for stealing your biscuit.
Archie: You’re not sorry in the slightest. Anyway, guess what their breakfast was?
Dexter: Oh, wait, I know this one — it’s like Mum’s breakfast, isn’t it? Porridge! Can we have porridge now?
Archie: No. You have to wait for breakfast. Anyway, Goldilocks tried Daddy’s Bear’s porridge and it was too hot.
Dexter: Like Mum’s is, so she makes us wait until the end before we get our share.
Archie: Exactly. Then Goldilocks tried Mummy Bear’s porridge and it was too cold.
Dexter: Like Mum’s is when she gets distracted by work and forgets the porridge is in the microwave.
Archie: You’ve got it. And then she tried Baby Bear’s porridge and it was just right. So she scoffed the lot. Just like you scoffed my biscuit.
Dexter: I did say sorry.
Archie: But you’re not sorry. You’re a biscuit-thief.
Dexter: This is meant to be my bedtime story. What happens next?
Archie: She went to sleep in one of the beds. A bit like you go to sleep when you’ve had food. And the bears came home and were a bit cross with her.
Dexter: Is this about your biscuit again?
Archie: No. Anyway, what happens after that depends on which version you use. There’s one by Robert Southey (Mum says it might not be the original because he got it from his uncle, and he might’ve got mixed up over a fox) where it was an old woman instead of Goldilocks, and she jumps out of the window and is never seen again.
Dexter: This is about your biscuit.
Archie: And there’s a later one where her mum tells her off, Goldilocks apologises and she promises to be good.
Dexter: I knew it was all about your biscuit. All right. I’m sorry and I won’t scoff your biscuit again…
The Pipsqueak Posts, Episode 46: the one with Hey Diddle Diddle
Hey diddle diddle
The cat and the fiddle
The cow jumped over the moon
The little dog laughed when porridge came out
And Dexter ran away with the spoon… (Or at least tried to!)
The Pipsqueak Posts, Episode 45: the one with Cerberus
Dexter: Hey, Arch! Look, if I stand underneath you, we look as if we’re a dog with two heads. We can be Cerberus!
Archie: Oh, Pipsqueak. I need to teach you properly about Greek mythology. (Mum did Classics for A level so I know stuff.) Cerberus, the dog who stands at the gate to Hades, has three heads. Though Hesiod said he had fifty.
Dexter: Fifty heads? Imagine what dinner time would look like in his house. Kibble EVERYWHERE…
Archie: Dinner time is bad enough with just you! Leaping headfirst into your bowl and smacking it about with your paw means the kibble goes everywhere.
Dexter: Yeah, and Dad complains about how standing on little bits of kibble feels like standing on Lego. That’s the plan.
Archie: Lego?
Dexter: No. Mum’s clever, so she’ll soon see it stays in the bowl if she puts a little bit of meat juices on it, like she does on Pasta Night. If Dad complains enough, we’ll get meat juices on our kibble every night.
Archie: Oh, Pipsqueak. I don’t know how to tell you that red meat is only once a week. And Chloe’s vegan…
The Pipsqueak Posts, Episode 44: the one with the Twilight Bark [video]
Archie: There’s this book Mum really loved when she was little – 101 Dalmatians.
Dexter: Why not 101 English Springers?
Archie: Good point, Pipsqueak. But anyway, they did this thing called the Twilight Bark to tell all the other dogs about the missing puppies, and they passed it on. So I was thinking. This was years and years and years ago, even before Mum was born — they didn’t have the internet, then. But we do now. And you know all Edit-paw-ial Assistants sit with their pet authors — so if Mum posts our video, we can send a message to all the dogs in the world because they’ll listen when their pet authors play the video.
Dexter: So it’ll be the Internet Bark.
Archie: Exactly.
Dexter: What are we going to say? Salmon is yummy?
Archie: That’s a good one. Let’s go!
[Author note: after I originally posted the video on Facebook, various friends have said that their dogs heard this and started barking… so maybe Archie and Pipsqueak are onto something!]
The Pipsqueak Posts, Episode 43: the one with My Bruvver (by Archie)
(With more apologies to Terry Scott)
Who keeps me awake at night,
Who can’t inhibit his bite (and those teeth are sharp, I tell ya),
Who’s an utter, utter fright?
My brother!
My brother says it wasn’t he
Who dug all the holes that you see —
My brother said that it was me…
My brother’s rotten!
Who likes to play with a tennis ball,
Who likes to play rough and tumble brawl,
Who drives me right up the wall?
My brother!
Who thinks that I am the best (well, Mum does as well),
Who’s a Pipsqueak and a pest,
Who am I rude about in jest?
My lovely, lovely brother…
The Pipsqueak Posts, Episode 42: the one with My Bruvver (by Dexter)
With apologies to Terry Scott
Who taught me about toasties,
Who says if you scratch you’ve got fleas,
Who laughs at me when I sneeze?
My brother!
My brother says it wasn’t he
Who scoffed the cake meant for Daddy —
My brother said that it was me…
My brother’s rotten!
Who lets me play with his squeaky ball,
Who taught me how to come when they call,
Who do I drive up the wall?
My brother!
Who doesn’t mind when I want to play-fight,
Who do I cuddle up to at night,
Who doesn’t tease me about my height? (Well, not much – he does call me ‘Pipsqueak’)
My lovely, lovely brother…
The Pipsqueak Posts, Episode 41: the one with the favourite things
(With apologies to Rodgers and Hammerstein)
Raindrops on roses and pulling up carrots
Digging the lawn up and squawking like parrots
Jumps on the trampoline, then some pouncing
These are a few of my favourite things
Toasties and porridge and scrounging some salmon
Barbecued chicken and honey-roast gammon
Frisbees and tennis balls with their bouncing
These are a few of my favourite things
Raggies and squeakies and things that have rattles
Cuddles and kisses and playfighting battles
Hiding behind the armchair, then more running
These are a few of my favourite things
When Archie growls
And my teeth sting
When I’m feeling sad
I simply remember my favourite things
And then I don’t feel so bad
The Pipsqueak Posts, Episode 40: the one with the shared porridge spoon [video]
Dexter: Arch, Arch, I’ve found the cupboard with the porridge! We can scoff our heads off! Yay!
Archie: Oh, Pipsqueak, you numpty. Mum has to cook it, first!
(A little later)
Archie: Now, Pipsqueak, you’re bigger now, so we can take turns. Sit and wait nicely…
The Pipsqueak Posts, episode 39: the one with the mini-me
Dexter: Everyone says I look like you, Arch.
Archie: That’s because we have the same dad.
Dexter: What’s a mini-me?
Archie, sighing: Someone who looks like you and acts like you, but is littler than you.
Dexter: I get it. I’m your mini-me.
Archie, wincing: Yes, Pipsqueak.
Dexter: So I have to copy you. Like when we do Neighbourhood Watch Dog duty.
Archie: Yes.
Dexter: And napping on the sofa.
Archie: Yes.
Dexter: And lying like you do on the floor.
Archie: Yes.
Dexter: And having gorgeous golden eyes…
